If I had a nickel for every time I heard, that I am super-mom, I would be rich. In all seriousness, I hear this so much and the truth is. I am not Super-mom. I am not even remotely close. Do I do a lot on my little bit of earth- yes, but nothing more than any other person would do. I have dishes in my sink as I type. They won’t be getting washed tonight.
I had a reader ask me to write more about my life as a special needs mother. Share my experience. I honestly do not really know what exactly to write. Only because do we mommas really want to put down on paper what really goes through our minds? Do we want to show that vulnerability and open ourselves up that much?
I am a mom to nine amazing children. One child with some extensive special needs. I fall short as a mother daily. I never get it all done. Never. It may look like it on my Facebook page (not purposefully) or even seem like it on my website. Mommas I am here to come clean, and be as transparent as I can be. I fall short daily. There, I said it.
Life is hard, life is hard with a special needs child that needs so much interaction all throughout the day. I try to do all I can, I try to give each of my children all I can. I try to clean daily and cook healthy meals- I fail at the healthy meals part more times than I would like to admit. It is what it is. I just try to do my best. On some days that is just making it through the day, and that is okay.
I don’t do it all and sometimes the guilt will rise up and become so overwhelming that I just have to remember to tell myself- I am only one person. Then that voice in my head reminds me that we have all these children and I need to do better. Oh that voice, do you know what voice I am talking about mommas? That one that really beats us up at times? Yes, that one.
We are hardest on ourselves. Aren’t we? Today I have spent the better part of the day (in between homeschooling) on the computer researching a waiver our daughter received but, never received the benefits- again sound familiar?! Oh, this same old- same old- merry-go-round. In between chemistry and fractions, I was able to get in a phone call. That phone call proved to be an absolute waste of my spare minutes. I will tell you one thing…our time really is precious. We need more hours in the day to be able to tackle that heaping to-do list we have.
Do you know what did happen today that was a blessing? I met another mother who has been down this path. She shared her wisdom with me. Mommas, we need that! We need to make sure we are sharing with other moms what we have learned, what has helped us or our child(ren), and so on. Because we aren’t supermoms. We are tired, broken, worn down moms just trying our best to do all we can for our children and family. While we do all that, we carry our pain, and guilt that we are failing with us- in silence. Or is that just me?
It isn’t easy to be a special needs parent. It isn’t always easy being a parent period. We love our children and good parents will do anything they can to make sure their child(ren) thrive in life. I have always said I want to make sure our little girl has the best quality of life. I intend to do all I can to make sure she does. I realized today that I need to share with you all what we have done for her that has been beneficial for her health and healing. Will she ever be healed? Only God knows that answer. We can just continue to be proactive and continue doing what we are doing. I have to give myself grace when we aren’t able to keep our daughter’s hearing aids in all day, because after the 100,897,765 times of her taking them out, I am done. I have to give myself grace when I am not able to sit down as long as I would like and spend countless hours going over signs and sounds. I have to remind myself I am doing the best I can. When that small voice comes back with, “Are you really”. I need to breathe and shut it down. Breathe again, and tackle another task.
I often remember a quote by, Gretchen Rubin. “The days are long, but the years are short.” That is so true. Some days may seem like they will never end, while others fly by. One day we will look back and hopefully smile because we will see God’s hand in this all. We will see how HE grew us, how HE answered our prayers, how HE lifted us up, and how HE watched over our precious child. So yes, our days may be long at times, but the years are so very short. I can’t believe our little miracle is almost 5.
I am not a super-mom. I am an ordinary mom, who has to battle through life in a way I never prepared for, but who does, right? God must think we are extra strong, and often times I question that. I don’t know. What I do know is that without him, I wouldn’t be the mom I am today. He has gotten me through some really tough days. I am grateful to have the King of Kings on my side.
One day I pray I have peace and healing. The trauma from what happened to our daughter runs deep. One day I hope I can heal along with my little girl.
Maya Angelou said it perfectly, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
One day I will be able to share my complete story.